why thoughts don't stop

Man, what is it about females? They keep your head spinning from day one. Even when you get involved with a "safe" one that you don't feel a whole lot for - then, one day you turn around and she's got complete control of your soul, whether she wants it or not! Now, she is seeing things in other guys that she finds attractive. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to keep her interested, unless I change myself somehow.
That is the problem - I feel like I have to change myself in some way to be what she needs. The ironic thing is that the thing I need to change, is feeling like I need to change. Now, if that is not an oxymoron, I don't know what is. Maybe I do not need to change at all, then. Maybe all I need to do is hold on, and trust the universe. That is my plan, but it makes for some dog-gone sleepless nights. In the mean time, I am planning on ways that I can improve my own situation, improve my own comfort level.
I am the quintessential gen X'er: I have a creative job that I am struggling to stay interested in when what I really want to do is get high enough to forget about my life. All my life I have thought about how I don't want to end up like my parents, but suddenly I realize how amazingly well they have done. At this point, not being alone is almost the most important thing, although alone is when I am happiest - except for those hours I spend lying next to her, caressing her hair as she sleeps. Those are magical. And I've never felt this way about a woman - we have all found ourselves saying that, but this is honest - not wishful thinking. At nine months in, I still have a profound interest in her - what she thinks, what she did that day, how she feels. I still enjoy holding her, even more than before because I feel like I may not get to soon. I want to do anything to keep her - well, almost anything. That ONE thing is just too big to take on right now, isn't it? Well, I've got to do it at some point. Please, if you see me in the street, just remind me to not act so desperate around her - act strong in front of her, because she is losing interest in the whole sensitive artist thing. Maybe some jealousy would be good for the gander, too. I'll have to arrange a "date" with a beautiful woman soon. Hmmm.....

What would dating be if it weren't for scheming? NOTHING turns around a disinterested heart like jealousy does! The thought of losing someone seriously is what makes us fall into that passionate, desperate kind of love. Jealousy. Hmmm....

People are animals

People just kill me. If only they could keep their scams to themselves. I am finding my life full of nasty, petty people who are just out to scam a quick buck, or to boost their ego by pushing others down. A few simple rules to make sure that you are 95% clear of going to hell:

1. Don't do anything to anyone - you have no right to act upon anyone without their consent. I am 100% free to do anything I want, as long as it does not infringe on your life. I can dance around like an idiot, punch myself in the face, snort powdered frootloops, and draw pictures of naked Hillary all I want. I am a thousand percent free to do so. I am not, however, free to draw those pictures on your car. Or dance on your toes. Or snort your powdered frootloops. Or punch you in the face.

2. Don't badmouth people because they are not how you would like them to be - People are funny. They are all weird and there are a million flavors of crazy, and not one flavor of sane. People need some really, really freaky shit to keep themselves moving forward. I need so much space and freedom just to exist. some people don't understand that. I can't tell you how many times I have been torn a new one just for being eccentric at my job. I became used to a very late schedule earl in life because of a job I had, and have not recovered since - I suppose that I am doomed to a life of staying up late and sleeping late. But, I am excluded from 90% of good jobs because of that. Administration guys like to work early, so they only want to hire people who work early. Imagine if it was a late-nighter's world how early risers would get badmouthed at work for not being able to work all night.

3. Don't stay up all night posting blogs that no one reads - although it may be cathartic, you are still missing sleep and will be OMG - late for work, again.

Laws that must change:

There are a host of laws that simply do not make sense. Whether they be outdated, or just based on false assumptions, here is a list of laws that would do an immense amount of good if they were rewritten:

1. Non-violent drug offenders - should not be put in jail. Jail only turns them into criminals and causes more difficulty for drug users to straiten out their lives. It also costs the nation billions in tax dollars. Make rehab or education the "punishment" for using drugs. Drug use should not be illegal - it should be taxed. This would eliminate drug money going to support violent cartels and terrorists, and the money could be used for treatment. This would improve the lives of addicts - they would not need to rely on crime to pay for drugs, and would not receive tainted doses that kill them or make them sick.

2. Bad drivers - we need to make a driver's license much harder to get. Driving a vehicle is a dangerous thing. We need to make extensive driver training mandatory for getting a license, similar to what one needs to get a CDL. Drivers should be tested regularly as they get old, since elderly drivers lose critical skills. Cell phones should be illegal to use while driving. This would lower traffic fatalities, lessen road rage frustration, and lower auto insurance. It would also encourage public transportation, saving on greenhouse emissions.

3. Public transportation - should be encouraged. All major cities should provide eco-friendly, reliable transportation for free. Tax money should go to pay for clean, comfortable trains, buses, and shuttles with extensive all-hours schedules. It would lessen pollution, traffic, highway deaths, and improve the quality of life (good public transportation is much more satisfying than the stress of driving everywhere).

4. Public education - should be based on a voucher system. Schools should be made to compete for students' monies. Competition is what fuels our society, and makes it better. The level of education would drastically increase, and parents would be given a choice as to how their kids are taught.

5. Credit cards, banks, and check cashing businesses - should be held more accountable for their policies. Predatory lending acts should be banned. Banks make profit from setting "traps" for naive customers, encouraging them to make mistakes. This is just immoral.

6. Politicians - should all have term limits. Average citizens should be our policy makers, not professional politicians. Careers in politics nearly always lead to corruption.

7. Police - their actions should be recorded. Too many bad cops are out there getting away with abuse. They should be paid more and monitored more closely. There should be an extensive performance review every year, and citizens who have dealt with each cop should be interviewed about their experience. Police exist to serve the community - they should be held accountable, and should be evaluated like any commercial service personnel.

8. Health care - should be free. The first thing a civilization needs is security for the well being of its citizens. Quality health care should be paid for by taxes. People should still be able to pick their doctors and plans - given a voucher for a certain amount of coverage by the state. This way, competition still exists to keep providers at their best. No one should have to go without medical treatment.

9. Small businesses - should be encouraged with tax breaks and free education. Low cost loans should be available to those who would like to start a business. This policy would increase competition, discourage monopolies, and improve the quality of life of small business owners.

10. Immigration - immigrants who would normally be sneaking in to the US should be allowed to come here to work - at a higher tax rate, lower wages, and without government benefits. Menial labor jobs should be made available to them if they choose - jobs that most Americans would prefer not have. Let us benefit from the problem! Who wouldn't hire a housekeeper for $3/hr? This may take away jobs from US citizens, but those citizens could save money outsourcing labor to immigrants, and get training for a better job.

11. Job training - should be free from the government. Not college and university - but short, career oriented training. This would improve the workforce, and the more money people make, the more tax money there is. Everyone wins.

12. Shorter work hours - an employee who works 20 hours a week happily will get more done than one who works 40 hours a week miserably. We should allow for happier workers. We should have more vacations and shorter work weeks. Work is not life!

bad vibes from the future robots from outer space

Ever feel like something's wrong?

Check that.

Always feel like something's wrong?

Yeah. Me too.

It just doesn't seem like we are living life. It feels like we are living in this false reality - like Plato's cave. Things aren't real, but are a reflection, a shadow of what is real. We don't notice because we have nothing else to base life on. But, there is a constant feeling of lacking. A lacking of substance in life.

I feel like this is just a rehearsal for the real thing. I want to fight to survive, not fight to make ten percent more this year than last. I want to wake up and be compelled to act by more than the alarm clock. I want to live moment to moment, and do things that make sense in the moment, not according to some vague plan that no one has written down or thought out.

I crave some vitality!

fanatic fury of fine photography

So, I'm attacking this August art show like Bear Grylls on the side of an ice cliff with nothing to eat but frozen grub eyeballs. So far, I have 18 frames to fill, and I had planned for 20. I think I'll force myself to edit out two images. It's going amazingly well, but the limited space is going to be a buzz kill for my artstardom. I really have enough for a solo show. Actually, I'm pursuing a solo show with this set because it needs to be done. I've got a meeting with Kimber over at Modified Arts after the show goes up. I'm hoping she's into this work like she has been my other stuff. I think I slipped by showing off my newer work that's being shown in Seoul right now, and she may opt to show it instead.

To add to the success irony, that new series of gestural nudes has me up all night building overlay layers in Photoshop CS3 (the best, most addictive visual stimulation since the Purple-Jesus Acid of 1994). Those will be coming soon. I don't want to build too much momentum, overriding the huge set of documentary-ish photos I just spoke of.

Anyway, framing those 18 prints and rewriting my artist's statement is all that is left, besides actually hanging the work. It is going to be a great show, my first time being paired with Farrell Yancy.

If you know of any Phoenix based photographers looking for a gallery to show in - send them my way! We are reviewing portfolios soon to fill a vacancy at Gallery 8.

My fellow Phoenix artstars Kris Sanford and Brendan Regan just had very successful shows up at Eye Lounge and the Kitchenette, respectively. I'm becoming part of a pretty cool club in Phoenix. My roommate and beloved friend Jen Laffoon just had her first solo show in NYC. She shmoozed with some super artstars up there. It's ironic how small of a world the photography gang inhabits.

Anyway, enough of this bullshit. I swear that the promised flood of preview images will be up soon. I just keep getting sidetracked with the printmaking.