why thoughts don't stop

Man, what is it about females? They keep your head spinning from day one. Even when you get involved with a "safe" one that you don't feel a whole lot for - then, one day you turn around and she's got complete control of your soul, whether she wants it or not! Now, she is seeing things in other guys that she finds attractive. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to keep her interested, unless I change myself somehow.
That is the problem - I feel like I have to change myself in some way to be what she needs. The ironic thing is that the thing I need to change, is feeling like I need to change. Now, if that is not an oxymoron, I don't know what is. Maybe I do not need to change at all, then. Maybe all I need to do is hold on, and trust the universe. That is my plan, but it makes for some dog-gone sleepless nights. In the mean time, I am planning on ways that I can improve my own situation, improve my own comfort level.
I am the quintessential gen X'er: I have a creative job that I am struggling to stay interested in when what I really want to do is get high enough to forget about my life. All my life I have thought about how I don't want to end up like my parents, but suddenly I realize how amazingly well they have done. At this point, not being alone is almost the most important thing, although alone is when I am happiest - except for those hours I spend lying next to her, caressing her hair as she sleeps. Those are magical. And I've never felt this way about a woman - we have all found ourselves saying that, but this is honest - not wishful thinking. At nine months in, I still have a profound interest in her - what she thinks, what she did that day, how she feels. I still enjoy holding her, even more than before because I feel like I may not get to soon. I want to do anything to keep her - well, almost anything. That ONE thing is just too big to take on right now, isn't it? Well, I've got to do it at some point. Please, if you see me in the street, just remind me to not act so desperate around her - act strong in front of her, because she is losing interest in the whole sensitive artist thing. Maybe some jealousy would be good for the gander, too. I'll have to arrange a "date" with a beautiful woman soon. Hmmm.....

What would dating be if it weren't for scheming? NOTHING turns around a disinterested heart like jealousy does! The thought of losing someone seriously is what makes us fall into that passionate, desperate kind of love. Jealousy. Hmmm....