the bad things I've done:

A la My Name is Earl, I have decided to write a list of the bad things I have done. Or more accurately - the entertaining bad things that I can remember and am willing to admit. I'll think about the whole apologizing thing later. Here goes:

1. In 1st grade, I wrote on a little slip of paper "Bill eats shit." I don't know why I did it - I don't think Bill really did eat shit. His breath smelled fine. Then I folded the paper and threw it on the floor. The teacher found it and was totally irate. She demanded to know who wrote it. I kept quiet. She picked on the only black girl in the class, who had a reputation for being 'bad'. Her name was Treva Mims. I will never forget Treva. She got a spanking for the 'shit' comment - which was my fault. This was in the South in the late 70's. I'm sorry Treva. Sorry for the spanking, and sorry for my contribution to the racial oppression of those times.

2. Also in first grade. We had 'reading group' which consisted of a circle of chairs and everyone reading the same book. My best friend in 1st grade was Gene. He was a black guy (I only point this out to dispel the appearance in post #1 that I am a racist). We liked to prank one another. One game was to sit down first, and when the other sat down, hold a pencil pointing up in their chair so that the person would get poked in the butt. We always got each other, and the victim would get a little poke and jump and it was really funny. One day I held out the pencil for Gene to sit on, but this time he sat down really hard. The sharp pencil went right into his ass cheek, and the tip broke off in his ass. He had to go to the hospital and have the pencil tip removed from his ass in what could not have been a fun experience. I'm sorry Gene, for once again promoting racial violence, and for harming your butt cheek.

3. Making fun of Randy. My Dad's best friend had a son my age (I was one day older). We of course, got set up as friends. We were always sent to play together. It was ok, Randy had some cool Lego's, but he was kinda weird. I remember one night we spent the night at my house, and were talking from bunk bed to bunk bed. He wanted to play a game. That game was "ding-a-ling sword fight," where we would duel it out with our whackers. He said the loser would get his "ding-a-ling" bitten by the winner. Then he said, maybe we should reverse that - the loser does the biting. I said maybe we should play a different game. He had a lot of that kind of stuff going on in his head. Another time he wanted us to shit on the floor of the public bathroom because somehow that would be funny. I don't think Randy's brain was a pleasant place.
I put up with it all through my childhood. I learned to deflect his strangeness and we had some good times. But by the time we got to high school, who you hung out with was of ultimate importance. I no longer wanted to be associated with the 'weird kid.' One day, when all the cool guys started making fun of Randy in gym class, I had to pick a side - defend my pal or go with the crowd. I think it was my comments that made him cry the most.
Randy ended up in private school because of stuff like that. I'm sorry Randy, for hurting you and failing to withstand the peer pressure. But, in reality you deserved some of it - you were fucking weird and needed to learn how to repress that shit.

4. Out doing my roommates: I've had a lot of roommates. Most of them were my best friend when we moved in together, and after we moved out I never spoke to them again. I used to be really hard on roommates - I expected them to be kind of perfect. I didn't put up with their shit, and I always had to feel superior. So a few of my roommates I one-upped a little too much. I got Jerome fired from our cooking job because I ratted him out for being a fuck-off (but hey - so was I!). I rubbed it in Manny's face that I did better in school than him. Looking back, both of those guys were selfish pricks who tried to either terrorize or fuck my girlfriend. I'm not sorry at all!

5. Stealing money from my mom. Just sad. She was horrible at keeping up with money, so my sister and I would routinely help ourselves to a fiver from her purse. Made up for all of that psychological torture she put us through to some extent, though.

6. Stealing liquor from my parents. They had a whole cabinet of liquor that they had received as gifts. They don't drink, so the cabinet just sat there stock full. Throughout high school, we slowly replaced all that liquor with water. That was just funny.

7. Made out with my neighbor's girlfriend. I had these great neighbors who were punk kids. The guy Jake was a really cool guy and he had a smokin' hot 18 year old girlfriend. We made out one day. She was so fucking hot - a very pretty punk rock girl. She let me know that I could have sex with her - even made an excuse to crash over at my side of the duplex one night - but I resisted. I think that makes it all right. I could have boned her and I didn't, solely because I didn't want to hurt Jake. I think that makes up for the other stuff. Damn she was hot though - I kinda wish I had...

8. Fucking my buddy's mom. That was a big mistake. We used to come visit Smoke in the town he lived in. Him, a roommate, and his mom lived in a big house. We would go visit for a weekend and it would be a 72 hour party. We had parties that became legends. One weekend at about 4am, we were all starting to drop out one by one. Russ had claimed the couch, and I wanted to go to sleep, too - so I called the EZ chair. Smoke's mom was a little bit of a MILF, and always partied with us. We all knew someone was going to do the deed some day. When I called the EZ chair that night she said 'no, you can sleep in my room.' I was actually hammered enough to think that I was just going to sleep. That didn't happen. Apparently the whole house heard us going at it. The next morning was the worst I have ever felt. It took 2 years to work up the courage to talk to Smoke again. He, being the coolest guy in the universe, forgave me. I let him punch me, and he didn't even hit me that hard. We were never the same though. Smoke, I am truly sorry for that. No one should have to hear their pal banging their mom. Thanks for not killing me with a chainsaw or something.

9. Being a pussy with my girlfriend: I had a really cool, really hot girlfriend when I was 19. She was 20, and had a really strong personality. I became very whipped, and let her dominate me. I was in "wuv" with her big time. When she finally dumped me for being such a girly-man, I cried and begged for her to take me back for hours. No man should ever act like that. After that, she started dating my boss, and I slept with her roommate. That's how we got over each other I think. Sorry, Victoria - you deserved a really alpha guy to be a stud for you. Thanks for emotionally beating the shit out of me for being a pussy, though. I needed it. You would be proud of how much I evolved. These days I do the dumping.

10. Dissing my Dad when he was sick: My Dad had a couple of heart attacks. After the second one, he had a triple bypass. He was homebound for six months or so. A lot of times I told him I would come over and hang out with him, but slept in and didn't make it there. I was doing a lot of drugs and drinking a lot back then. He really got hurt the times I didn't show up. I still feel rotten about that. I wish I could make it up to him. I just try to be there for him now, and let him know that I do love and appreciate him. I really love my Dad. I hope you know that, Dad. I hope it comes through despite my fuckhead nature.

That's all for tonight. These weren't as funny as I had hoped. It was cathartic, though.